World Of My Own

Awful and Horrible Day

2006-08-09T23:17:00.000+08:00

So many awful and horrible stuff happened to me today. First of all…the department is full politics…..I never expect that by sitting in this department, I’ll get my ass burn... though I tried not to get involve in all this politic nonsense. Since the beginning, they agreed to put me in marketing department which I can happily handle my event stuff… but instead of doing that, I have to help out in the HR and Admin department for a month due to the lacking of staff. So I have no choice but to deal with lots of nonsense in there…. for instant, Fleet Management (dealing with all the passenger vehicles intake and services).

Finally after 1 month I thought I can go back to marketing department happily, so I approached this beyatch … we have a casual conversation at the sky garden. I was asking her when can she place me back to the department itself and she told me she have to check with her boss. (What kind of stupid excuses is that...I mean if she can’t confirm with me, then since the beginning she shouldn’t have accepted my application). OK fine…this is not finish yet. The most interesting part is… I was called into the office my by my Boss. The beginning part was ok… we were discussing about the schedule and plans of the day…. then after that he suddenly pop up a question “hmm... I heard your are not happy working in my department izit”? I was like… SHOCK! Why suddenly this thing will pop out from his mouth and I came to know there were few more people from Fico, Fuso & Production also knew bout this. I felt horrible…I did not even mention the word “I AM NOT HAPPY” …when words are circulated…It became another issue.

Just after this case, I was caught by Mr. Sceithfield… he ask me drive the company Mercedes C Class for servicing in PJ, because there were like 48 cars in the basement with no driver. So, I told him I dare not… but he just gave me a smile and said this is an order. Ok fine… I told him if that is the case…I will… perhaps if anything happened, I’m not responsible la. So I took up the courage and I drove…everything goes smoothly at first …till I reach a traffic light junction and I pressed the break…suddenly I realize the break is not in good condition and the place is quite sloppy… so the car slip off and nearly bang the Jeep behind…Vincent was freaking out and keep horning from behind. Luckily… my reaction was fast enough to pull the hand break. If not I would have to pay till my pants drop…haha...

Well, overall this place is not that bad…at least I have a bunch of nice and jovial colleges which I can hang out with… just that…sometime I find it hard to deal with the Germans that’s all…haha

Worries...

2006-06-01T08:40:00.000+08:00

Well… 2 more months to go and I am free….part of me I am happy (finally I am out of the institute) and part of me I am kinda worry. I tend to be paranoid about aspects of my career that are largely under my control… Will I get good grades? Will I sufficiently impress my adviser? I should be freaked out by a factor I can do nothing about… the strength of the job market at the precise time I enter it. i'm justifiably anxious about my career prospects because faculty supply these days generally outstrips demand. The best job generally goes to those who have demonstrated the most promise. By the way, I did start applying jobs everywhere…hopefully I can hear some good news saying that I am recruited into a specific company.

Besides, I tend to have sleepless night coz too many things in my brains these days…I tend to consider lots factor and try figuring out the best solutions to all my questions and doubts...really need some space and fresh air to breathe….

Just Feel Like Blogging...

2006-05-21T04:30:00.000+08:00

It's 4.00a.m on Sunday, I checked my mail and found this story send by June...straight away it reminds me of J...automatically tears keep rolling down. This incident happened 6 years ago... J and I were very close friends or maybe more than friends...we used to study together...hang out together even though we were from diffrent school. One day we had a big fight and that was the time we stop seeing each other... this continue until one fine day he called me up... I did not pick up his call because i was very tired at that time and i am still piss with him. The next morning when i return his call...his sis pick up and i was told that he is dead because of an accident...I felt so bad I didn't manage to pick up his call...it was my last chance to listen to his voice...until now i can still feel the pain no matter how hard i tried to forget this incident... Shit! I just can't stop crying now....so, just treasure people around us...we may not what will happened next!

Here is the story...

Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?" The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it." Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university." Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always think of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could." Sally walked out of Children's mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said: "Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good-bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm, sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery!

Just Wanted To Say...I Luv U Guys !!

2006-05-16T17:22:00.002+08:00

It’s been a fast-moving semester with much going on. School is going well so far but there is much of my mind that is lost at times. I'm the kind of person that remembers everything. I let the petty things bring me to a point where I become anxious and feel anxiety and depression. I’m slowly starting to understand how to not let my mind wanders. I have to focus on what is in store for me.

My life is only beginning. For myself I hope to find happiness soon but for now I look towards my true friends to be there for me. June, Ryan, Joven, Kon, Liang, Mandy, Winnie and Karen have been such amazing friends through the past few months. I really owe them a lot for sticking by me and being there for me when I needed them the most. There are a lot other friends I have that have been special to me but these guys understand what I've been going through lately.Those of which help me and those of which bring me down, they make me see things from a different perspective in life. I have been hanging around alot with them lately and i just realized that i always have friends when i need them, they have showed me that, there are other things in life more importnat than anything else.

I no longer want to be this way. I want to be "normal" Jac again. I love my self even when I act insane at times because I know that I will never loose sight as to who I really am. And for those of you who have stuck by me over the years I thank you. You are all great friends.

M:I:3

2006-05-08T04:04:00.000+08:00

Yea…finally I get to watch this movie today, since it has been quite long I waited for it to show in the theatre…. but the worst part was I had to be a lamppost …Arrg… dun border la…as long as I get to watch Tom Cruise anything also jadi. Hehe…

The theatre was packed and we were lucky to get a seat. After coming out from the theatre of 2 hours of visual effects of flying machines crashing, multiple explosions, a hundred chases, few lovey dovey scenes especially when Tom Cruise marry the gal….although it’s nice but suddenly there is a thing in me and I got so emo and tears started role down from my chic.

After the movie…I checked my phone n it was like 28 missed call from Greg…oh gosh..! When I reply his call... he started to shout here and there. He makes me damn pissed off today. I wonder why he can be so inconsiderate at times. He likes to force people do something which they don’t like. I hope he realize this…just dun want him to ruin our friendship.

Hurdles !!!

2006-05-06T06:37:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to J. W

As human beings, we have to go through lots of hurdles in life in order to learn. None of us are perfect. We do make mistake sometimes. It’s when we make mistake, we learn. Bad experiences help us to grown up…it makes us realize who we are. Sometimes life seems to be more of an obstacle race, with the only pleasure being known that you can meet the challenge. God only help those who help themselves.

So… please don’t give up and fight till the end. Don’t worry, I’ll always support you!

Why In Life We Have To Make Tough Decisions...Help !!!

2006-05-05T02:49:00.000+08:00

Our lives are continually in motion, buoyed by the wave that is the universe's flow. As the wave rises and falls, we are carried forward, through life's high and low points. The universe's flow may take us to a place in life where we would rather not be. As tempting as it can be to fight the direction and size of this wave that propels us, riding the wave is intended to make life easier. When you ride the wave, your life can evolve naturally and with minimal effort. Riding the wave, however, is not a passive experience. It is an active process that requires you to be attentive, centered, and awake. You must also practice stillness so you can flow with, rather than resist the wave's motion.

Because life is dynamic and always changing, it is when we try to make the wave stand still or resist its direction that we are likely to get pulled under by its weight. If you try to move against the wave, you may feel as if you are trapped by it and have no control over your destiny. When you reach a low point while riding the wave and find your feet touching bottom, remember to stay standing so that you can leap forward along with the wave the next time it raises. Trying to resist life's flow is a losing proposition and costly because you waste energy.

Riding the wave allows you to move forward without expending too much of your own efforts. When you ride the wave, you are carried by it and your head can "stay above water" as you go wherever it takes you. It can be difficult to trust the universe and let go of the urge to fight life's flow, and you may find it easier to ride the wave if you can stay calm and relaxed. Riding the wave will always take you where you need to go.

(Thanx Ryan for your master piece).

Mood Swing !!!

2006-04-28T04:20:00.000+08:00

I am having one of my mood swings now ... It just hit me all of a sudden and it's bad that I sunk into it, instead of trying to climb out of it.

That's the thing I hate about humans in general, majority of us are led by our feelings, our feelings towards the people around us, the things around us. I don't like that as feelings change, every single moment, without warning.

Feelings.. I don't like that coz feelings make people irrational.. All of a sudden the most rational person in the world becomes irrational. They think of foolish thoughts and do things that they normally will never do. All those for this thing we call feeling. Is it really worth all the damage caused?

Feelings.. they change without notice at all. Everything can seem fine the previous moment, then the next everything changes. Without warning. Or perhaps there had been warning signs blinking all along, it's just that we choose to ignore them, believing in the strength of our feelings.

I hate being affected by things that I have no control over. Like now... Wham.. Bang.. suddenly I don't have the mood to talk at all.

Perhaps it's the place we were in... the environment, the music, the poeple? The place is just.. .. .. too familiar.. .. ..

I wish I can be heartless at times... No heart = No feelings !

Lots…Lots…Lots Of Fun!!!

2006-04-25T00:08:00.000+08:00

It has been a while ever since the last I have updated my blog due to laziness and tiredness.

Ahh, it's good to be young, when you seems to have unlimited energy to burn for nonstop fun and activities. Luckily I still can do that once in a while. :D Fist of all, Ben came and pick us up from Jess’s place and we went over to his place because he said he wanted to take a shower after work. His place is superbly cool…well furnish with light color tones, so clean and tidy. Overall, it’s so romantic. After that, we went over to Bangsar and meet up with the rest. They had decided to go for dinner at this cosy little beer garden at the entrance to Bangsar called Oasis Beer Garden which was a nice experience of green, good food and good music. I enjoyed this place so much I had to blog about it though the only regret was I didn’t have my camera with me. After dinner, I went to Zouk with Isaac, Ben, Jovan, Jessica, Mel, Ling, JL and etc (a bunch of bachelors). After hours of fun, alcohol, dance and great music, we left the club at about 3, and then we had some maggie goreng and nasi goreng near uptown. We proceeded to drive home, took a shower, packed my things and then drive out again to Isaac’s place, where we gathered to prepare to depart to Genting highlands.

After about 2 hours of traveling, finally we reached the winding and cooling hillside of Genting highlands. I won't blog about the details here, I bet JL or Mel will blog on the details later. As I can’t stand the crazy stuff they did.

Fast forward to Sunday, we left Genting highlands after a fun-filled night and back to the hazy KL. Ben took his car from Isaac’s place and drive straight to Jess’s house for the decoration session as we’re giving her a surprise birthday party. As for the gals, we rushed over to mid valley to get her a perfect gift (Jess, I bet u like it very much as u always dream to have it). Jovan is responsible to get her a chocolate fudge cake from secret recipe. HeHE…JL had the toughest job. He has to accompany Jess for the shopping session till all of us have done our part. Finally, the party started. All our friends turn up in Jess’s place and waited for JL to bring her back. The first minute she steps into the house she was so surprise and she gave everybody a big nice hug.

We really had a marvelous time hanging out together.

Blood Is Thicker Than Water…

2006-04-09T07:12:00.000+08:00

Dear mummy and daddy,

Even though you guys don’t read my blog or anything, even though we fight and sometimes I don’t like going home because I know all you guys do is scold me….or because you guys say things in a harsh tone. But I am here to apologize for everything that I’ve done. I am so sorry…especially to u mum. I know that you always have sleepless night because of me. You’re afraid that something bad happened to me, even though I don’t say a single word to you. Part of me wanted to comfort you and part of me I don’t know how to do so….forgive me for this!

Recently, I’ve been through lots of stress and I do know that I can be quite inconsiderate at times. I’m so sorry for letting go my anger on you guys. I know sometimes you get angry and act cold because you think that I don’t care. You’re angry but you don’t really wanna be cold- but the way you’re just exacerbates our rift. So, sometimes it’s rather alien for me to listen to the others.

I never really told you this, but I do realize whenever I face any problems, you guys will always the one that are there to offer me with warm open arms. I really do appreciate it and this makes me feel guiltier when I start thinking about the past. I’ve always put other things as my first priority (especially when comes in term of relationship) instead of you guys and this must be a huge disappointment on me. Mi and Dy…I think you need to let me go in some way. A child will start to grown up only when they know when and how to pick up themselves after the falls. You guys are over protective and this way I will never learn my lesson.

You guys are wise. It’s true that you’re this insecure person, or you used to be as a teenager, even though you doubt yourself and how you’ve brought us up and it gives you much grief. You both did a good job; promoting and living out godly characteristic, with godly wisdom you believe in integrity, honesty and kindness. All the things that you teach me are very true “while you tend to err on the side of caution…too bad that’s only realize in hindsight”.

I suppose all I’m saying is that I do appreciate both of you, even if I find it hard to show it. Ironic, since I think I am able to show that I care for other people (friends) much more easily. But as the saying goes “blood is thicker than water”

I promise! Starting from now, I’ll turn over a new leaf and everything will be just fine for everybody.

Exam Fever....

2006-04-01T20:10:00.000+08:00

For all those who have been wondering where I have been and why haven't I posted anything new so far…. Well - my Board exams are on!! It is the examination period. This means stress. This also means impending insanity.Yes! I have just finished answering my first papers. Should say it was an open book for that, but its difficult man!…..here are just two papers left – Strategic Marketing and Strategic Finance. Oh …damn it! I hate finance…. Just dun understand what the hell I need this for!

Then, I'll be heading to my freedom. I just can’t wait for my sem break as I’ve so many plans for the holidays. Uhuh…realize I’ve slowly learn to enjoy my single life….hehe…..

So, see u….pal….Remember to wait for me ya……..if not, u guys will have to bare with the consequences…hahaha!

Learn To Love MYSELF more...

2006-03-26T00:22:00.000+08:00

I have spent many years destroying myself and blaming other people because I just wanted to feel loved and I did everything I could to “be good” so that everybody would love me. But I forgot complete about myself.Because I denied myself I put everybody first and I took responsibility for their life’s, I was not in balance about giving and receiving, about saying yes or no, about my needs and other people needs. I usually found myself doing the things I “should” or “supposed to do” instead of doing what my heart was telling me. Because of this, I felt emotionally abused and my belief was that “if I give an inch others will take a mile”, so all of the sudden I withdraw thinking inside of me:” I am not going to love you anymore”. People end up confused with this behavior and I end up full of resentment and deception. My life was about fixing “others” mistakes instead of allowing them to learn from the consequences of their own behaviours. I was not connected with me, I did not love myself.I know that self-love sometimes is a confusing word, when I heard about this word I got scared. We usually confuse self-love with vanity, narcissism or selfishness.

THINGS J.A.C.L.Y.N needs to work on in order to love herself:-

1. RELEASE

i see that i tend to want to control the outcome of everything in my life, when i know that's just not possible. I can't make a person agree with me all of the time or want the same things as i do or go about solving a problem the same way. I have to just sit back and let things happen as nature intended, even if it ultimately means the outcome isn't what i wanted. i have to develop patience and allow for things to unfold in the way they're meant to unfold. A life worth living isn't rushed and each moment is savored.

2. CONTINUE TO BUILD MY SENSE OF SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-WORTH

I have to believe I am a good person and i can bring light into a person's life. i have to believe in my own abilities and my strengths and be alight with my weaknesses because I’m a lifetime project of growing. i have to accept myself.

3. STOP OVER ANALYZING EVERYTHING

I have a tendency to read too much into how a person acts. Sometimes it's really not all that deep. I know I do this because i want the comfort of having an answer as to why a person does things, but the fact of the matter is that i have to find comfort in not having all of the answers.

Why self-love is important? I have learned that is important because it increases our ability to love other people. We are more willing to receive love from others. It helps us to feel good and be real with ourselves because we become more patient and compassion with ourselves; therefore, we tend to understand ourselves better without judgments.With self-love we can start to take care of ourselves, we can learn self-acceptance, patient, and self-respect. We can be aware of our emotional and physical needs.

Ying-Yang Seesaw....

2006-03-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

It's when we hope, we face disappointment.

It's true what my said.... That we don't need love to survive in this world we live in today. That we're all falsely manufactured to believe that indeed we do and we go on about living life assuming we need love. We seek for it, we pray for it, we beg for it and we even make it the center of our everyday being.

With love, there always will be hope. And these two together usually stir up a recipe for disaster.

If anything I find the negative emotions we possess as human beings the only real things that actually benefit us. But it's a Ying-Yang seesaw isn't it? What's hope without lost? What's hate without Love? What's smiles without tears?

A fine balance. For anything and everything.

I hope for the best. Because I love.
But I fear everything more than anything in the world.

I wonder if that makes sense?

Naked Truth...

2006-03-24T06:23:00.000+08:00

Love is a simple four letter word...and yet it can be so complicated in so many ways...Only the one which is in it will understand the excitment or pain....Love can bring happiness or sorrows...Why do people keep falling in love when most of the time it ended with hurts or dissappointment?...Despite the risk of falling in love...guess nobody would want to be alone...and also the wonderful feeling of someone to hold on to...someone to talk to...someone to give all your attension to..vice versa..there's nothing as heavenly as being in love with that special someone...follow where your heart tells you...and one day it will show your burning desire...Don't let others determined what they desire from you!

Why do we define our perfect life through misery?

If all the pain in the world would be erased to form a new utopia, it would indeed be surreal to us. A hot cup of coco can not be savored without the sudden burning of the tongue. A joyous moment can not be expressed without remembering the past suffering.

How is it that we despite suffering so much yet can not imagine our life without it?